When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
COULD IT BE WORSE?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Dear Bug,

Right now it is 11:32 pm and you are finally asleep, rocking gently in your swing with the humidifier on.  I put you down to sleep tonight at 8 pm like usual, you are just like your dad in that you really like to stick to your routine.  So, at 8 pm, you had your last bottle and down you went.  But then something different happened.  You didn't stay asleep.  Every fifteen minutes or so, you woke up fussing and sounding congested.  First, I checked your temperature.  I put on the humidifier but that wasn't enough.  I gave you some saline drops and tried to clean your nose out with the bulb aspirator (which you hated but it worked) and then we hung out in the bathroom for a little while with the hot shower running but that wasn't soothing you either.  You were tired and wanted sleep, but were having a hard time breathing.  I went downstairs and grabbed the swing and you have been sleeping contentedly in it ever since. 

Watching you sleep in your swing at this time of night is reminding me of when we first brought you home, and that was the only place you would sleep.  It's only been five months but I can't believe it's already been five months.  My mind is flooding with memories, from those first days of complete insanity to a couple of months in when we got into our groove, to the last few weeks when we really started interacting with each other.

Just before your five month birthday you went on your first vacation to Regina to visit daddy.  We had such a good time, and you were a complete angel.  Our little family was reunited for a few short days and you couldn't have been happier.  I will never forget the look on your face when you saw him...you looked up at him as if to say "Oh!  There you are!".  It melted my heart and I know it took his breath away.

I love you so much my sweet baby.  I hope you always remember this.  I hope that you remember it when you are 11 and I won't let you dye your hair.  I hope you remember it when you are 17 and I refuse to let you go to Mexico with your girlfriends.  I hope you remember it when you are 20 and I force your boyfriend to sleep in another room.  I hope you remember it when you become a mother and disagree with every piece of advice I offer you.  I love you, my baby.  And I promise you one thing - I will always try my hardest and give you the best that I can.

Love Momma
xoxox