It's really hard to live alone in a house that you used to share with someone.  On your own, you use less space, the need to go into certain rooms diminishes, and when you do find yourself in these spots, the rush of memories and feelings that come up can be so powerful they almost knock you down.

I feel this way everytime I go in the basement.  I moved everything upstairs because it was a big pain in the butt cleaning two floors and it was just easier to have the baby set up on the floor with the kitchen, bathroom and her bedroom.

The last five months have flown by, but when I think back to the day he left it feels like it was a lifetime ago.  I think about the cold, snowy February.  I was sick for the first time in ages, and it was so hard to be sick and take care of the baby without getting her sick.  All I did was blow my nose and wash my hands.  These were the days I felt guiltiest, because I had to keep my distance, and she couldn't understand why.  She was in her swing, in her bouncer, in her exersaucer.  Unless I was nursing her, she was everywhere but in my arms.  I tried to nurse her as much as I could but baby tires of the boob fast when Momma has a low milk supply.  The good news is she obviously got enough of the antibodies, because she didn't catch it.  Being sick, and snowy days where we didn't leave the house.  That is what I remember of February.

I honestly don't remember March at all, except for our trip to Regina.  She was still young enough that flying and travelling was a cinch.  The only downside was this trip was the beginning of the end of breastfeeding, but at that point I was perfectly ok with it.  I had done my best to give her as much of my milk as my body would allow, and she happily took what I offered until she had enough.  We were both ready to move on.

April is also a distant memory.  As is May.  Even though it was only last month I really don't remember much at all.  Things are getting a lot easier now though.  Sommer is sleeping through the night again which makes a world of a difference in our day together.  She gets 100% of me, rather than a dopey version of me that was up all night for various readsons with my baby girl that I love more than anything in this world.

June is proving to be pretty great.  We have an awesome routine and its working really well for both of us.  Come July, we will be reunited with Nick but separated from our extended family that we have grown so close to in the recent months.  I have to admit, I am curious how it will go.  One thing is for certain though, its a huge relief to know that I will have someone there with me to help with the little things throughout the day, and even more relieving to know that I can stay home with her for at least six more months. 

The biggest thing I have learned over the last six months?  Being a single mom is hard.  It's the hardest thing I have ever done in my life....forget about college, university, running in a marathon.  It's effing hard and somedays it feels downright impossible.  I have no idea how I managed to keep it together.  Lord knows I was on the verge, several times. 

I think about all the moms out there who are doing it on their own for one reason or another.  I couldn't imagine doing this with the pain of a broken heart, or the sting of rejection, or any other feeling that might come along with their given situation.  I couldn't imagine being in my teens, or early twenties, and having to do this without the survival skills I have learned only recently in my life.  I couldn't imagine doing this without an extremely generous husband who turns a blind eye to retail therapy trips, spending too much money on items of convenience, and wonderful cleaning ladies.

I owe my mom a lot of credit. 

To her, and to every other single mother out there....you deserve the sun, the moon, AND the stars.  I only wish there was some way I could give it to you.